Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave…..

Rumours that both Robert Mugabe and Thabo Mbeki have joined the MDC have been described as “scurrilous” by Deputy Information Minister Rapidly-dimming Matonga. “These are lies spread by finger puppet traitors, backed by Gordon Brown,” he said in a statement issued today. “Our beloved president, pictured recently doing the MDC salute, was merely following the suggestion that Mr. Mbeki offered at a recent meeting in Bulawayo. Mr. Mbeki has told our president that, when all else fails, the best way to get rid of pesky, biased foreign-media liars and annoying, anti-revolutionary African leaders is to smile a lot, wave vigorously and mutter through clenched teeth, ‘I am NOT a murderer, I AM a hero’. Mr. Mugabe will be introducing the smile as soon as he gets the wave right.”

It’s all in the timing….

Time it takes to count 2.5 million bets 30 seconds before starter’s orders at Aintree:

About ….mmm…let’s see…um… around……30 seconds?

Time it takes to count 2.5 million Zimbabwe dollars:

0.25 seconds. Easy peasy - its the lowest usable bearer-bond denomination (10 million) divided by 4…. any Zimbabwean can do this in the blink of an eye.

Time it takes to count 2.5 million presidential votes in Zimbabwe:

…at least 4 weeks… or more… however long we need to get it RIGHT, you Bum-Puppet, Brown-Loving, Post-Imperial String-Dancers!!

Winner of the Grand National 2008:

Comply or Die.

The Opposition Rests (In Peace) It’s Case.

Darren calls the Zim embassy for voting information

Mugabe dies and goes to heaven…..

When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven.

Mugabe must go to hell. So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says ‘No problem, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.’

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.

Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, ‘My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!’

The little, tiny dot gets a nappy rash….

“Prime Minister’s office please…. Milliband, here… yes I’ll hold”….

“Gordo! how was New York?…. mmm, yah, yah…. well, good for you, I’ve never managed to catch a cab there myself, they just ignore me…. I flap my arms about like a stork landing on a thin twig and they just, well…. ignore me… so well done you…. yah, I know how far New Jersey is from Manhattan… yah… well, anyway, about Zimbabwe…”

“Yes, I heard, and may I say, well done old chap! Gave old Mugabe what for! Yah…he was well out of order there….. no…. no… definitely not a dot… roaring tiger? well, I wouldn’t…. erm, thing is..”

“Well, it’s just that when Tony gave him a bit of a bollocking about the land issue he got quite pissy about it and, well, thing is….. his preferred method of letting off steam at these times is to arrange to have more members of the MDC, brutally assaulted and…. well, murdered, really.”

“Ah, yah… I see… lovely, lovely, Ban Ki-Moon on board, very good…. nice to hear we’re all pulling together on this… yah… Thing is …… he doesn’t tend to give a shit.

“Well… I mean he doesn’t care.”

“I know the whole world’s against him…. it just, well…. doesn’t seem to make any difference, really…. he just stands there looking not bothered……. goes a bit Catherine Tate on us….. quite annoying, actually….. but so far we haven’t found a way to…”

“No, no, we’ve tried name-calling… no good… he’s better at it than us… mmm, blowing rasberries? Could give that a go I suppose, but somehow I doubt….. Mooning? You mean, bums out, trousers down sort of thing?…….Mmmm, let’s see… I’ve an idea! We could give him the old Brown-eye and Ban Ki-Moon in unison! That would show him who’s top dog in the pissing contest…..”

“Yah …….yah, I’ll get it set up for the week-end…. just check your schedule…. right, there’s no window for a dual appearance by the two of you….. we’ll have to do it by live video link-up…”

“Lovely, Gordo - get your people to arrange for the press to be there 10 am tomorrow…. yah, yah, right outside the door of Number Ten… get that loon from the Guardian to ask what we’re actually going to DO about Zimbabwe…. drop the trews and give it the old “This one’s for you, Bob!”. … “

“I’ll get Ban’s people to arrange a Ki-Mooning at UN headquarters….”

“Lovely….. yah, super…. democracy in Zimbabwe by Tuesday, no prob…. what d’you mean what if it doesn’t work?…. UN troops!…. ha- hang on a minute old chap… we can’t just pile in there before trying everything to resolve this thing diplomatically….. “

“Well, we’ve still got sulking…. haven’t tried that, yet…… then there’s um…. holding our breath… and, ah… screaming and screaming until sick……. god forbid it comes to that, tho, haha…

“Righto, lets get cracking, then! stage one of the onslaught! May I just say that I love working with you Gordo….. you’re so…. manly…. a real leader….”

This is Zimbabwe’s day for being tired

How was the first day in “Ungovernable” Zimbabwe? A bit of a damp squib, from all accounts. The listless media reported a listless population listlessly attending their jobs, too scared to be discovered listlessly hanging about at home by energetically baton-wielding ZANU PF Youth militias…… Therein lies the rub. I’ve been asked all day by well-meaning and well-fed people, “Why don’t they fight?” and have had to bite my lips for screaming, “Because they’re too fucking tired, you moron!!” just another day at the office……

Memo from the High Court, Harare

To: Justice Uchena

From: Onemoretimebob Sithole, Chief Security Officer.

Your Honour,

Please note that the new security regulations requiring all justices to check their testicles in at security and leave them for standard sedition clearance (run daily, for your convenience, at ZANU PF headquarters) applies only to office hours. Your testicles were available for collection on leaving the High Court at the end of working day today. Due to this failure in communication, we have placed them in lost property. They may be reclaimed at any time during office hours tomorrow.

Rest in peace Tapiwa Mbwada

MURDER - Tapiwa Mbwada, MDC Organising secretary for Hurungwe East (Karoi area) was beaten to death on Saturday night 12/4/08. His wife and brother were badly beaten and are in a serious condition. According to the information we have received, this was organised by ZPF councilor from Kazangarare called Jawet and an ex-soldier named Madamombe.